Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Ok I just realized that last post probably made me sound suicidal, which I'm really not. I'm fine. I would even go so far as to say I am in a good mood. I am a day and a half away from a four day weekend, it's warm out, and I'm going to the Glee concert on Saturday -- all in all, pretty good. I'm just really pissed off -- at myself -- that I'm in such bad shape. I realize that getting skinny is not going to magically fix any problems in my life (other than health-related ones). But, it's still really fucking frustrating that it's so damn hard.
Ok, remember me? I'm back. I stopped blogging for awhile, and the reason for that is really that I was just lazy, but also that I didn't have much to say. I fell off the plan a bit, at least the eating part. I've been pretty good about the gym over the past 6 weeks, but have been eating like crap. Well, that's not entirely true. I haven't been as bad as I once was. But I haven't been great.
So why am I back? Well, because I am freaking out. They posted the final video of this whole thing online today. (There have been 6 total.) I am not posting the link here because, frankly, the fewer people who see them, the better. But e-mail or IM me if you would really like to see them, and perhaps I will be feeling magnanimous. However, they are terrible. I knew I needed to lose weight, duh, but I did not think I was quite as fat as I appear to be in the videos. Fab. I mean, how come I have a double chin in every single shot? I swear I never saw that in the mirror. Of course, they deliberately shot me from the worst possible angle every damn time. What kind of professional cameraman shoots you from BELOW?! Ugh. I am sure people are watching the last one going, "I don't get it -- she's still fat!"
Previously, I was telling myself that no one really watched these videos, so it wasn't a concern. But today I got a message on Facebook from SOMEONE I DON'T EVEN KNOW, asking me where the bathing suit was from. WTF?!?! Who does that?!?! I am dying. Shiiiiit.
Hopefully seeing the videos, more than anything else, will actually be the motivation I need. I really, really, really do not want to look like that. I've lost maybe 2 or 3 more pounds since this thing ended, but that's not that great. I still have a ways to go. It's so frustrating, but of course I have no one to blame but myself. Though I really don't know how I could be any harder on myself. Maybe if I watch the videos again before every meal.
I'm "training" for a 5-mile race on June 20. I'm not really sure what the point is, because there's really no way I will be able to run the whole thing. Last night I alternated between four minutes of running (ok, jogging) and four minutes of walking for almost an hour, and pretty much thought I was going to die after. I had the worst headache and was so nauseous the rest of the night. My breathing is getting a little bit better, I think, but my heart rate still keeps skyrocketing (182, according to the sensors on the treadmill), which scares the shit out of me. I am pretty sure it's just going to explode one of these days. Really, all I would like to be able to do is run one mile in less than 10 minutes. I don't ever need to do more than that, to be honest. Why is it so freaking hard?
So why am I back? Well, because I am freaking out. They posted the final video of this whole thing online today. (There have been 6 total.) I am not posting the link here because, frankly, the fewer people who see them, the better. But e-mail or IM me if you would really like to see them, and perhaps I will be feeling magnanimous. However, they are terrible. I knew I needed to lose weight, duh, but I did not think I was quite as fat as I appear to be in the videos. Fab. I mean, how come I have a double chin in every single shot? I swear I never saw that in the mirror. Of course, they deliberately shot me from the worst possible angle every damn time. What kind of professional cameraman shoots you from BELOW?! Ugh. I am sure people are watching the last one going, "I don't get it -- she's still fat!"
Previously, I was telling myself that no one really watched these videos, so it wasn't a concern. But today I got a message on Facebook from SOMEONE I DON'T EVEN KNOW, asking me where the bathing suit was from. WTF?!?! Who does that?!?! I am dying. Shiiiiit.
Hopefully seeing the videos, more than anything else, will actually be the motivation I need. I really, really, really do not want to look like that. I've lost maybe 2 or 3 more pounds since this thing ended, but that's not that great. I still have a ways to go. It's so frustrating, but of course I have no one to blame but myself. Though I really don't know how I could be any harder on myself. Maybe if I watch the videos again before every meal.
I'm "training" for a 5-mile race on June 20. I'm not really sure what the point is, because there's really no way I will be able to run the whole thing. Last night I alternated between four minutes of running (ok, jogging) and four minutes of walking for almost an hour, and pretty much thought I was going to die after. I had the worst headache and was so nauseous the rest of the night. My breathing is getting a little bit better, I think, but my heart rate still keeps skyrocketing (182, according to the sensors on the treadmill), which scares the shit out of me. I am pretty sure it's just going to explode one of these days. Really, all I would like to be able to do is run one mile in less than 10 minutes. I don't ever need to do more than that, to be honest. Why is it so freaking hard?
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