Pole Dancing

OMG. Pole dancing class. Where do I even begin?

Well, the poles didn't even come in until later in the class. It began with 10 or so minutes of stretching on the mat that was less a warm-up than it was a preview of what it would be like to engage in sexual relations with the instructor. (What would it be like, you ask? I would say aggressive.) There was a good deal of ass shaking, hair tossing, shimmying, writhing, and an ass slap or two thrown in for good measure. Kristen and I just sort of . . . stretched. At one point I looked over to find her face down on her mat, laughing uncontrollably. (We were so out of sync with the rest of the room that it was a good five minutes before we even realized that we were the only people in the room who weren't barefoot.) Our classmates, however, were doing a much better job of emulating the instructor. One, in particular, who was ahead of me and unfortunately in my direct line of vision, was outfitted in nothing more than a bra and a pair of black underwear with "Biker Booty" on the ass. (It was in script, so I knew she was classy.) She seemed to be a veteran of the class, from the ease with which she, um, "warmed up," but the state of her behind was not . . . enviable. So I began to doubt the effectiveness of this work-out.

Finally the warm-up portion ended, and the instructor announced "Four people to a pole." This is when things really got exciting. Suddenly, people weren't barefoot anymore. Half the women in the class pulled on matching 4-inch sparkly platform stilettos. Do they all shop together for them, I wondered? We began to learn important tricks of the trade, like, don't pole dance in pants -- it's the skin-to-pole contact that keeps you from slipping off. (So THAT'S why pole dancers are so often naked!) Also, don't wear lotion when you pole dance -- same reason.

The instructor showed us some moves, like throwing your leg up on the pole and stretching, or hanging from the pole and pulling your body up to do crunches. As we just stood there staring at the pole quizzically, other girls wasted no time leaping onto the pole, hanging upside down and spinning around. My initial reaction was to check my wallet for dollar bills. We quickly came to the conclusion that some of these women were professionals. It was kind of like when a famous singer shows up at open mic night at a bar just for fun. (If that ever happens. I think it does in movies.) It was so nice of these hard-working ladies to treat us to a free show. However, Kristen and I had had enough at this point. We left to wash our eyes out and hit the cardio room. Never again.