OMFG.

I show up at a class called Kangoo tonight, and the instructor, an insane-looking man with a mohawk, comes in and announces, "This is going to be an advanced class. If you have to get water, get water. If you have to drop out, drop out."

Are you fucking kidding me? I race out of work at 7:30 and take a freaking cab to the gym, spending $11 just so I can get there on time for your damn class, then have to spend another $14 on a 3-pack of socks when it turns out knee-high socks are required (I'll explain why later), and you can't even encourage me to stick with the freaking class if it's hard?! Fuckface. It said nothing on the class schedule about this being an advanced class. You can't just DECIDE that -- it's not fair to the new people! Where do they find these instructors?! Is no one ever allowed to take a class for the FIRST time? Can't people get help if they struggle? I'm not asking you to hold my freaking hand through the class, but at least don't start out by telling people to QUIT!

This class was called Kangoo, and the idea behind it is that you wear these insane moon shoes (at right) throughout the entire workout, so you're jumping up and down the entire time. About two minutes into the class, everyone is bouncing to the same beat, doing the same routine. The instructor, of course, never bothered to TEACH it, not that it would have mattered, because we did the same damn routine 400 times and I couldn't pick it up. The more I work out, the more I realize that the gym is a place for skinny, coordinated people. Chubby girls with no rhythm are not really welcome. I pretty much gave up trying to follow the steps and just jumped in place for 45 minutes. I was definitely sweating, so it wasn't a total loss. And if shooting the instructor death rays with my eyes burns calories, then it was a complete workout.

Yesterday was my last meeting with the personal trainer. Before our session, I went to a class she taught called Rebounding, where you spend the whole time on a little trampoline. (I've done a lot of jumping in the last couple of days.) That was hard, too, but at least my trainer was understanding of people at different levels. Or she just knew what a disaster I am. I was a little bit better at following the steps in that class, though not much. It did give me a chance to show off my uncanny ability to always do the opposite of what everyone else in the class is doing. When they're punching to the left, I'm punching to the right. When they have their feet out and their arms up in a jumping jack, I have my feet together and my arms down. Without fail, whether I am trying to stay with them or not. It's like I have exercise dyslexia or something.

After the class, we did our personal training session. I have to admit, I was definitely better than when we first started, which felt good. Particularly as I now have to demonstrate these moves on camera on Monday.

Hahahahahahaha! I can't believe the end is here already. Jan, the other woman, said she's getting a spray tan to prepare to go on camera in our bathing suits on Monday. She said it makes you look 10lbs lighter. I was considering it, but I think I really don't care. I don't feel like spending the money, I will probably look ridiculous and orange, and I don't think it's going to fool anyone into thinking I'm in shape. I've never been tan a day in my life; why start now?

As awful as it's going to be, I'm looking forward to Monday so this can just be over. Have I lost weight? Yes, but not much. I'm fitting into clothes better, but they're still much bigger than I want to be wearing. I am definitely going to embarrass myself in this bathing suit, so I just want to get it over with and move on. Then I can set a more realistic goal for myself, and just look back at this month as the jump-start that I needed. I just wish I didn't have to humiliate myself on camera in order to get it. Oh my God. Now I'm starting to freak out just thinking about it. People are going to watch this on TV or online and laugh at me. Are they going to think that I think I look good?! No! I know I don't. Fuck. Maybe I should back out. What will they do if I refuse to come out in a bathing suit on Monday? Because suddenly that's the plan. I'm not even kidding. I can't do this!