The Background

I'm participating in a "Bikini Body Makeover" run by a magazine. (It was originally pitched to me as "getting your butt in shape for bikini season," which is how it became known as my Ass Makeover.) It's myself and another woman, and thankfully won't actually run in the magazine, just on their online channel. They're hooking me up with a nutritionist and a trainer for a month, and at the end of it, I'm apparently supposed be able to put on a bikini without anyone around me vomiting. Um, we'll see.

I am skeptical beyond belief about my ability to do this. For one thing, I HATE to exercise. In my opinion, the only good workout is one where you leave the gym skinnier than you were when you got there -- and that has never happened. I'm also in really bad shape -- when I do work out, I start breathing so heavily that people ask me if I have asthma, or if I'm a smoker. Hot. (For the record, I've been to two cardiologists, and both said there's nothing wrong with my heart -- I'm just out of shape.)

But even bigger than the working out issue is the food issue. As everyone reading this surely knows, to say I am a picky eater would be an understatement. The list of foods I don't eat is a long one, and includes: vegetables, fish/seafood, yogurt, eggs, beans, oatmeal, pork . . . you get the idea. It's very frustrating to me, and further complicating that is the fact that people seem to not get that I cannot eat these foods. Ok, sure, I CAN eat them, but I would literally be forcing food down my throat. I try to explain that everyone has foods that they don't like and couldn't possibly eat without gagging -- I just happen to have a longer list of those foods.

So that's me. I don't eat healthy foods, I don't like to work out, and I'm participating in a Bikini Body Makeover. I am freaking out beyond belief.